Six Years - The Rewrite
by KathyBoPeep
Summary: How long would you wait for someone that doesn't exist anymore to reappear?
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys, I rewrote Six Years. :) If you read it before, read it again! It's much different than the last version.

Slight tw for talk of death! Feedback is always appreciated and as everyone always says, I don't own these ladies ;D

Hey Maur,

I don't remember the last thing I said to you, I don't remember what your hair smells like, and I keep playing the video from the Fourth of July picnic three years ago just to hear your voice. Do you remember that day? We arrived at 10 p.m., 3 hours late, because we got caught up in the moment watching Fireworks over the lake. The picnic was almost over and we waltzed in like a teenage couple on their first date. Frankie was stuck patrolling it, he was too busy cleaning up a drunken Rondo who had decided that the BBQ was a good place to light off some firecrackers. Ma was too busy yelling with Pop over who's turn it was to drive home during the post-picnic traffic. No one had even noticed our absence and we loved it. We sat on my jacket on top of the hill and I told you that you were beautiful for the first time while you cried and told me that not a single soul had ever said that to you before. You hair looked like strings of angelic gold in the soft summer moonlight. Your eyes were watery as you grabbed my hand to convey words that you didn't trust yourself to say. I understood though, I still do. I miss you Maura.

It's been a whole year, 365 days without you, that's how long I've kept this notebook. I feel like even though you aren't with me anymore, talking to this...collection of wide-ruled paper somehow makes you here again. People would think I was crazy if I spoke out loud to you, even though when I'm by myself in my room I talk like you're still there, and I occasionally refer to you in the present tense, making people glance at each other awkwardly. Oh well. This notebook, with it's navy blue cover, the same shade as your scrubs, and it's 180 pages have become my therapeutic outlet, my conversationalist of sorts. You know, kinda like you used to be? I don't even know if you're alive or dead, and I think that might be what hurts the most. I wish that I could just take a peek into the future just to know if this is all worth it. I won't give up until I know the whole truth, even if I might not want some of it. I don't know if I'll ever show you these letters. I have 51 so far, this makes 52 letters. One letter every week since you've been gone and I don't see myself stopping until i find you. I love you Maur, and I'll never stop telling you that.

-Jay

Jane set her pen down and rubbed her hands out of their cramped state. She had been writing for an hour and it hasn't gotten any easier to use her hands this long, even if she did it every day. She wrote reports, she wrote down facts, she wrote the numbers to the Sudoku in the paper, and lately she had found herself writing random phrases and psalms on the margin of her notepad. Writing seemed to be the only way she communicated with anyone anymore, even if she was talking to someone who didn't exist anymore. It was still nice to get her thoughts in order, if only for an hour or so every couple of days. She was tired of the constant reminders of her former happy life, so she stayed out of reality if she could. Writing was the passive aggressive way of saying things to people that wouldn't speak to her anymore. She didn't have to interrupt their busy lives to tell them things that they didn't even care about.

They probably did care way deep down inside, but they were tired of Jane being so sad and dismal. It's not her fault that the love of her life had been taken out from underneath her; she didn't ask for 365 days of pure heartbreak. This is what she told herself when she was having a particularly bad night that a 6 pack and a zombie movie couldn't fix.

With an audible sigh, Jane lifted herself off her couch, making Jo whimper at the loss of her heat source. Most of her apartment existed only to please her mother when she came to visit. Jane didn't care for the art on the walls, the useless throw pillows, the floral printed tea towels, or the egyptian artifacts, to make her cold apartment seem comfortable. She generally spent most of her home life on the couch. She remembered when she and Maura had looked at this couch, deciding that even though Jane was hard on things, the black leather was too smooth and chic to pass up. She had taken solace in one of the last things Maura and her had talked about and it just so happened to be this oversized piece of furniture. It was getting harder and harder to get up each day, when all she wanted to do was sleep and dream of the life she could be having. She dreamt of having a family, cooking for said family, coming home after a long day of work to hugs and helping with homework. She dreamt of long dates with little to no talking, and the ability to laugh at her adorable genius who had no idea how she was being funny. Those were the moments she reveled in, and those precious few moments before she fully woke were the happiest moments of her life, followed by some of the most gut wrenching pain one could even handle. Life just wasn't what it used to be.

Jane shook her head and attempted to clear her thoughts. She stood and stretched her aching muscles in a feline movement that made her look like a cougar ready to pounce. She walked slowly toward her bedroom that she never actually slept in anymore. She avoided this room whenever she could; Maura's scent had long faded from the bed and her dent in the pillow was just a hollow reminder of what had been the closest to perfection Jane could have ever imagined her life being. How could she sleep in a bed that felt so empty? She couldn't even bring herself to remove her alarm clock from her bedside table, even if it went off every day at 5:45a.m., the same time Maura had used to wake up. The curtains they had picked out together after hours of fighting at Target hung with no purpose, lifeless and drab, with no inkling of the joy and happiness that used to be in this room. Her walls looked bare, Jane had removed most of the pictures from their hanging spots; she couldn't sleep knowing that Maura's face was smiling at her. Maura's dresses still hung in her dark closet, untouched unless Jane had a particularly rough night and needed something to remind her that not everything in the world was evil. She would curl up into a ball on top of her sheets and pray to a God that she had lost all faith in. She would sob and plead until her cries waned and she drifted off into a frightful slumber. This is why she had taken to sleeping on the couch with a grey matter documentary looping in the background; she couldn't bear to remove Maura's only slot on on the DVR. It was silly, but it's how she eventually would fall asleep.

It would be rough; it was always rough, but today would be worse. The world kept turning, and life had moved on. The world seemed to accept this without any thought otherwise. Maura was gone, not a chance of her coming back even if deep down, Jane thought that she was alive somewhere, whisked away by the Feds no doubt, never to visit her life here again. It was an unpopular opinion, and it had cost Jane a lot of relationships.

There was a funeral, it was closed casket which made Jane really wonder. It's not like she was very lucid that anyways. The only memories that she kept of that day were sitting in the Prius and crying until she couldn't breathe. That and getting so drunk later that she didn't wake up for about 18 hours later. Jane had gone through the stages of mourning and then she got stuck on anger. Why was there never a body? She had seen it happen and there weren't any cosmetic injuries, and she had been forbidden to go anywhere near the morgue, like they didn't trust her or anything. What was she going to do down there? All she would have done is say goodbye her soul mate, the love of her life, her Maura. That's all.

The occasional thought made its way into her mind doubting what she was normally so sure of. She could see a conspiracy; she was a detective for a reason. It was almost insulting honestly. Someone was covering up some shit, and Jane could smell it from where she was at. Maura was a mobster's daughter; it's the kind of thing you would expect. Maura hadn't even indulged in her biological father's lifestyle but by proxy she was a Doyle.

Maura had been a target, everyone knew it but no one wanted to talk about it at the time. Paddy Doyle was coming around too often; they knew something was off, but no one wanted to ruin the relationship that left Maura feeling whole, and wanted as a daughter. Paddy had always been a careful man, that's how he had survived this long in a world of death and despair. Until recently, he had no visible weaknesses but then his lineage came to light, and suddenly everyone knew they had discovered the Achilles heel of the man that ruled the streets of Boston.

It physically sickened Jane to think that all it took was a dirty cop to ruin Maura Isles, a cop she had moved up the ranks with, who she had graduated with. The same cop to shake her hand when she was promoted, to even help her brother, Frankie, when he needed advice. It broke Jane's heart to think that the same force that had nurtured Jane into adulthood played a part in destroying the life of the one person on the planet who did nothing but help others, and was extremely happy to do so.

Maura had been shot at, whilst kneeling over a body they had been called out to investigate. It seemed like your standard drug deal gone awry: single shot to the head, laid out in an alley. Although the ME held nothing but contempt for guessing, she was even feeling a tad relieved that she could possibly have an evening off; she and Jane hadn't been on a date in weeks and they needed some time to themselves.

A "pop!" rang through the air, almost like someone had lit a firecracker, and Maura felt a liquid hot fire scorch throughout her entire side that quickly turned to ice cold pain running through her veins. She collapsed and the last thing she saw was the bright blue sky, a stark difference from dark that was slowly clouding her vision.

Sobbing could be heard off in the distance, and she felt warm lips on her forehead. She tried her hardest to open her eyes, but the darkness was trying to keep her and not give her back. Maura had tried to wade through the loud noises and bright lights to tell everyone that she was ok. The trajectory of the bullet had missed her heart and landed in the soft tissue next to it, based upon her difficulty to breathe. Eventually the darkness won and Maura has passed out.

Later that day the formal announcement was made that Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts had be fatally slain in a gang related shooting. She had died during surgery and the city of Boston would mourn her loss terribly. Somewhere in that town laid a Detective Jane Rizzoli, sitting in the floor of interview room 1, crying so hard that she had broken blood vessels around her eyes. Her hair fell in disarray and she was clutching Maura's car keys so hard that the Toyota symbol was bruised into her palms.

It had been a year today since that happened; it had been a year since Maura "died". Jane still wrote to her every day, and she still believed that Maura was out there somewhere, buying Chanel and eating Hors d'oeuvres on the beach. She was out there somewhere. Somewhere.

Jane,

I know that I'll never actually send this letter, I. But, I feel like when I write out my feelings to you, it hurts less than speaking them. I cannot even imagine how you are coping right now; I know that I'm not. I have avoided the pain and I know that eventually it will overtake me. I use people now Jane, I use them to feel. That's not something that Maura Isles does; mostly because I'm not Maura Isles, I'm Amelia Harris. I wish they would have let me choose my own name, I would have picked Leonore Beauregard, and it's much more romantic than...Amelia. Regardless, I'm not Maura. I write to you nearly every day, in this journal that I hide under my mattress. The only reason I even bought this thing was because its navy blue cover reminded me of the time you spoke to the crowd in your blues. Well, it's about 4 a.m. and I haven't slept yet, I've obtained a fairly regular bedmate and he snores quite loudly. Alas, he is a body though; I do miss sleeping next to you. I especially miss waking up to you; I pray that someday I can do it just once more. I would give it all up, well I have given it all up, just to see you once more.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep

"Babe...Babe, could you turn off your goddamned alarm." said a sleep-ridden voice too close to Maura's ear. His voice was too low, too gravelly; it's not what she wanted to hear in the morning. Eric was good man, he really was, but he was cocky and uncouth. Arrogance did not wear well on him, and well...he was good in bed. That was his redeeming quality, sad to say. He was a terrible listener and misogynistic to boot. This is not how Maura liked her mornings to start.

"Eric, you know perfectly well that I hate it when you call me that; it's condescending and just rude. I wake up every morning at 5:45 a.m. and you complain every single time it goes off. Using deductive reasoning, and a fair bit of common sense, you could ascertain that every single night you insist on sleeping over, it's going to go off at the same time the next morning" Amelia huffed, turning over to glare at her bedmate in the rosy dawn light. Today was not the day to try her already dissipating patience.

Eric rolled his dark brown eyes and rolled back over to catch what precious moments of sleep he could before his pager would ring, signaling the start of his workday. Eric loved Amelia, well he acted like he did. Her little grammatical quips and slight oddities we just wearing his patience down to the quick, he was not equipped to emotionally deal with someone in relationship. He found that the more she talked, especially when she went off on her stupid tangents about thing not a single soul cared about, the more he just wanted to call it quits and go back to being a bachelor in Denver. She was a beauty though, and he would be lucky if he ever found someone as sexy as her, and boy was she great in bed. She even understood the erratic hours of being a surgeon, and never once complained when his pager went off at all hours of the night when he did end up staying over.

Maura got up with an apathetic gaze. She used to love morning, cherish the quiet peace and nature before real life got in the way. Now that she was in Denver, she hadn't been able to appreciate the mornings like she used to, it was probably the lack of good company. Shivering with the pre-dawn chill, Maura padded her way into the master bathroom and shut the door, leaving Eric snoring in her bed. Taking the plunge, she flipped on the light and flinched; she never had gotten used to how bright it was in Colorado. There were no large buildings blocking her windows, only trees and mountains for miles. She looked in the mirror and frowned at her brown hair, and sullen expression. She hated that she couldn't recognize herself anymore. She knew that was the point, but she still felt like she was in an ugly shell. Her gaze went to her chest, and the slight scar above her heart. Normally she would just look over it; scars were just a place where broken skin met back up. But, this scar, on this day, was important. It has been a year today. a year since a .22 had been lodged into what the public thought was her heart, when in all reality, it had missed just a bit. But, that little bit is what had kept her "alive"

She still got pains in her chest when she was particularly stressed or overexerted, a reminder that she should keep herself out of the spotlight when possible. Slowly tracing over the puckered skin, Maura couldn't help but wonder what she would be doing today. Would she be thinking about her, or what they had? Had she forgotten about her and moved on, no doubt with someone new? Jane was not a consolation prize to be had, she was first place, and Maura had been the lucky winner. Jane thought she was dead; maybe she would take flowers to her grave?

With a tiny sniffle and a nod of courage, Maura smiled into the mirror to try and see if she could fool her facial muscles into thinking she would be okay today. She just needed to calm down and breathe. Perhaps a shower would help calm her down. She stepped into the shower and turned the hot water all the way up, immediately disappearing into a cloud of steam. Her knees were shaking even in the scalding spray and she felt lightheaded. She leaned against a wall and took deep breaths.

Maura steadied herself in the shower; not wanting to explain to the man in the next room over if would have collapsed while bathing. Maura let her demeanor fall. She needed to be weak for a moment and cry. She cried hard for the future she had so desperately wanted, but would never get. She was about to turn the shower off, realizing that she would never wash away this sense of loneliness, when she felt the curtain open. Whipping her head around, she saw Eric step in and start washing himself, without even a glance in her direction.

"You know, I do have a guest bathroom, if you'd rather some privacy" the brunette said, gingerly stepping out and wrapped her shivering form with a plush towel off the rack next to her.

"Yeah babe, I know. I just love seeing you naked and wet in front of me whenever I can" Eric purred, gesturing for her to come back into the shower, swinging his hips in an almost wretched motion towards her lithe form. Maura had no intention of having relations in the shower, especially today. The shower is where she had made love to Jane and that was not a memory she was going to forsake, especially with someone she had no connection with. She loved sex, but every time she slept with someone else, she lost a piece of herself, her real self, not this shit imagery the Federal Government had her disguised as.

Maura shook her head, clearing her muddled thoughts, and walked back into the bedroom. She fell back into her bed, wet hair and all, showing how much she really had changed in this year she'd been Amelia. She did not want to face the harsh world today; she thought she could handle it, but she just couldn't muster the courage to act like everything was okay. Grieving for her future was not something she had done yet, who had the time? She was a busy woman, even living a fake life. She had a job, and a boyfriend, if that's what you could call him. There were better words for their relationship, but deep down she was still an Isles at heart, and she couldn't bear to tarnish that name. She really disliked when Eric stayed over but she felt herself unable to say no when he asked. He wasn't a bad guy, he just knew that he was attractive, and he was very judgmental, which is something Maura did not tolerate. She had learned a lot while on this journey, including what she had coveted in Boston.

Maura mulled over the fact that she had no motivation to live, no desire to do anything other than survive. She could not handle dealing with someone else's issues at the hospital she worked at, when she had so many of her own to deal with today; it just wasn't fair to the patients. She needed today to heal as many as her open emotional wounds that she could. Tomorrow would be a different day.

Grabbing her phone, she sent a quick text to her colleague to let her know that she would be taking a well-deserved personal day today and she should not be contacted, less it be dire. Uncharacteristically she flung her duvet back over her head, and hid in the darkness. She needed to stop this destructive behavior; sleeping with a man she didn't love, and calling off of work for a personal day. None of these behaviors were something that Maura would have done. Maybe tomorrow, she would start focusing on work, and taking pride in what she did every day, a Pediatrician at Rocky Mountain Children's hospital in Denver, Colorado. She loved her job; children were so full of innocence, energy, and life. Those were the three very things she was missing in her life. She loved her job, because children believed everything you said and looked at you as if you were saving the entire world for fixing their coughs. They believed in magic, and fairy dust, and miracles, and Candyland. Their little eyes and big dreams were what kept Maura sane. Even if she was Dr. Harris at the hospital, she still loved these kids and couldn't imagine not helping them. There were some days where it could be too much, a blatant reminder that there were dangers still in this world. Maybe someday she would ponder the thought of children...maybe.

With the blanket still over her eyes, Maura figured that if she played her cards right, she would be asleep by the time Eric left for work, and for the rest of the day she could be free to do as she pleased without any interruption, even if only in the sanctuary of her small, 2 bedroom house in the suburbs of Denver. It was a tiny townhouse, a stark contrast from her lavish home on Beacon Hill. She no longer cared about the thread count of sheets, or how many of her dress were in production. She had taken it all for granted, and life had taken it back. The lesson had been learned, and Maura felt more relaxed in jeans and t shirt than she did in full get up nowadays.

She favored the little things now: the warm sunlight on her face, the smell of daisies in bloom. She loved to just walk around and watch people being happy, even if life humans still scared her a little bit. She loved warm bread in the patisserie down the street, and she loved to eat food out of the food trucks during the art walk she went to every Friday. Maura was living the most right now, and it was with no one she knew. She was living as Amelia Harris, but at least she was alive.

She dozed on and off for the rest of the day, dreaming of the memories she had made with Jane. She remembered her first date, the first "I love you", the first kiss, and all the firsts they had. It was enough to make the pain in her heart dull down a bit. She stayed like that all day, only rising to make a peanut butter and fluff sandwich, and feed Bass. Bass had come with her, she would not have negotiated that when she was moved. He was too important to her, and he had been through enough with moving around. He was her anchor at times, keeping her from flying off the handle.

Maura walked back into her bedroom and lay back on her bed; Eric had left hours ago, and she just wanted to sleep until tomorrow. She would deal with everything tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

Six years: Jane 2

Jane grimaced as the brisk October wind stung her cheeks and whipped her dark curls all around. Pushing the wrought iron gate open, Jane looked around at the bare trees and overcast weather. She wandered around the cold Cemetery, reading names at dates from more than 100 years back; saying a concise prayer for every name and wishing them the best. Looking down at her worn boots, Jane reflected back on the two years she's survived since Maura had died. She still hadn't really said goodbye, but she couldn't put it off any longer. Feeling her throat tighten and her eyes water, Jane stomped towards a lonely path while wiping away the tears that had escaped. Goddamn it was windy today. She hated being outside: the sun was too bright, the city was too loud, and every single step she took chiseled away at her stony exterior she tried so hard to keep intact. It's a good thing she had come here alone, she couldn't cry in front of others, and she was gonna cry today. It needed to happen. Looking at the roses she had bundled in her hand, Jane decided that this was it and she needed to do this in order to make peace. She dropped the roses on the ground, falling to her knees Jane cried.

'I'm not ready for this Maur, I can't have it be real. I still believe that you're out there somewhere. It's like I can feel it, I know it. It hurts more knowing that you're out there living and I'm not allowed to see you. What kind of life is that?' pondered the sullen Detective. She had been adamant that Maura was still alive somewhere, but it was getting to the point that Jane was saying more to convince herself. Not that the signs weren't in her favor, but she just didn't like having the only opinion against the world. It was disheartening to have no one on your side; having the whole world just stare at you silently judging because you have an unpopular opinion.

Slowly but deliberately, Jane stood up from her knees and grasped the dozen roses she had let fall earlier, shaking them slightly to rejuvenate them. Shuffling towards the hill where the Isles' family plots were, she remembered visiting here with Maura years before when they had buried her father after a bout of nasty pneumonia. She recalled the tiny honey blonde shaking as they made the trek up the hill. Maura has never been particularly close with her adoptive parents, but she had always been a daddy's girl, regardless of her father's attendance in her life. There had been no tears until she was staring at the marker, fairly plain considering the Isles owned about 10 miles of this cemetery.

Taking a deep breath, Jane walked up the last part of the hill, not bothering to fix her hair that was blowing wildly in the harsh wind. Everything around her seemed to stand still. frozen in time. The leaves froze midair, the birds silenced, the wind died down, the grass faded to brown, and Jane's heart stopped beating. There is was; it was so hauntingly beautiful that Jane was reduced to a slack-jawed stare. Jane put her hand out to touch the black marble and flinched back when she made contact with the cold surface. Here it was, in all its glory, standing 5 feet tall was an angel arms reaching out to the sky to beg the heaven's to release the owner of their mortal pain. All the angel was asking, pleading for, was to just let them go. Something Jane just couldn't quite yet. If there was something that Rizzoli's were known for it was their stubbornness, and Jane was not budging on this.

She'd never actually seen Maura's grave before, at the funeral she was inconsolable and had to be escorted away before anyone had even spoken. She just couldn't focus and she'd been awake for nearly 38 hours. She had spent the duration of the service, hunched over in Maura's Prius, crying into a scarf that was hanging from the rear view mirror. She still had that scarf, nestled in her kit belt. She sometimes brushed a hand against the cool silk in trying times to remind her that she did still have a reason to live, a reason to keep on going. She didn't usually keep material items, she just wasn't that type of person. But, that scarf was the first item she mourned with, and it was special to her.

Taking a respectful knee in front of the angel, Jane set the dozen roses across the base and whispered a quick greeting.

"Hi Maura- well, you're not Maura, but you are the closest I'll ever be to her 's so sad isn't it? Whatever, I need to tell this to someone nonetheless. I didn't think I would make it today, I've been having more and more trouble convincing myself that it's worth getting off the couch anymore. I miss you. I miss you more than I've ever missed anything in my entire life Maur. I miss your smell, your voice, your intelligence, hell I even miss you moving my furniture around because it looked "unhappy" in my apartment. I miss taking your car to work when Martinez took mine. I took you for granted; I assumed you were a constant in my life. I was so...happy. I was so happy and all that I could do was complain about everything. Maur I-" Jane's voice caught as she struggled against her own tears."I just miss you."

She placed a kiss on the cool surface of the angel's hands and stood back. She noticed that it was a very well kept area, and a small smile graced her face when she saw that someone else had left a plush turtle off to the side. Seeing that small plush animal made Jane realize that she shouldn't be so sorrowful about what's in front of her. She knew Maura was alive somewhere, and she should be thankful that she was probably protected and happily feeding bass British Strawberries off the coast of some beach with a bottle of champagne that cost more than her cruiser.

Jane let out a tiny snorfle at the thought of Bass at the beach. She didn't know what actually became of the African Spurred Tortoise, but she assumed that Maura had begged and pleaded to keep him as a companion of sorts. Either way, he was keeping someone company she was sure.

Feeling like a thousand pounds had been lifted from her, Jane turned around and made her way back down the hill to the tiny blue car that she had commandeered after the investigation had been over. Driving a Prius was just one stereotype Jade had refused to succumb to when she and Maura decided to merge their lives, but now the Detective couldn't imagine going anywhere without it. It almost felt like a family heirloom, and it was soothing to sit somewhere that Maura had sat before. She opened the door and took a deep breathe, she was convinced that Maura's scent was still in the car. She even had kept the doctor's keychain including the photo of them taken at their first softball game. Smiling to herself, Jane started the car and made her way over to the highway. Riding high on this feeling of emotional freedom, Jane vowed to do something she had been avoiding for quite some time.

She needed to go to Beacon Hill; she'd been putting it off long enough. It was time for her to face her fears and visit the one place that held all of the memories she had tried to lock away. She needed to face their home, for the first time in two years.

Maura :2 Years

There are some things that act like a vice that leads people in their lives. It reminds them of a happy time or just a pleasant memory they could float back to when time were tough. For Maura, that was Bass. Who knew that an African Spurred Tortoise could mean so much to a grown woman? Bass was more than just a pet; he was a judgment free place to go when Maura needed someone to talk to about anything. He never yelled, cried, or made a scene. Bass was the perfect confidant, hence why when Maura was being transported to her destination two years ago, she had demanded that Bass would be coming along for the journey as well.

Surprisingly enough the Agent who had been in charge of Maura's transportation, Agent Clark, had no qualms with her odd request. Agent Clark was a large, burly man with skin the color of espresso beans in the morning. He never really spoke; but when he did, you had better listen. Maura never really trusted Federal Agents, especially after hearing from BPD how much they despised the crew that stole all the glory but did none of the grunt work. But, Agent Clark seemed like decent, dependable man that still remembered what it was like to work hard for a living. Either way, he was always pleasant and respectable when they chatted at their monthly meetings.

Deciding not to dwell on the past too much, Maura arose from her couch where she had been thinking about her life and where it was going. Stopping to kneel down and pet Bass' shell, Maura spoke a few whispered thanks to the pet. Rising with a sigh, the Brunette made her way to her wardrobe which sadly no longer gave her the joy it had a year ago.

Dressing was just something she did by habit now; granted she still loved putting together outfits, but she really didn't take too much pride in her appearance. She figured it was because she didn't feel like herself with her chin length brown hair, and heavy regimen of makeup to disguise her. How could one be proud to look like someone they're not? Would Jane even find her attractive like this; she couldn't really run her fingers through her hair, or put it in the ponytail Jane has heavily hinted as being a major turn on for her. Maura thumbed through her closet, deciding what was appropriate for the brisk September weather they seemed to be having in Denver. That was the biggest change for Maura so far; it could be 90 degrees at noon, and get down to the forties by dusk.

Deciding on a red cowl neck sweater and some black dress pants, Maura checked herself in the mirror. She giggled, thinking that she looked kind of like a freckled version of Snow White, minus the dwarfs at her feet. Maybe Bass could wear a beard. That was quite the thought.

Pondering about what she should do on her rare day off, Maura thought of the things that reminded her of the best times with Jane. Glancing at her red shirt, it dawned on her that maybe a baseball game would be a respectful way to honor what they had, considering they always seemed to have a major life checkpoint when they attended a game. Maura grabbed her phone, and searched for a baseball game, even if it was college or high school still. It would be nice to cheer for someone, even if she had no idea who they were. It what was what they had done on their second date, why not their second year apart?

"C"mon Maura, you don't have to sanitize the whole bench? You're wearing pants, they're not going to permeate through a plastic bench. Just sit on my lap if you're that concerned about germs"

She remembered that game, it had been so much fun just to snuggle with Jane on the bench and tuck her head under the detective's strong chin. It was crisp and they had brought a blanket to sit under. Maura had ingested a very unhealthy amount of butter-saturated popcorn while Jane drank her body weight in whatever was on tap. They laughed and talked to the people around them while snuggling tight in their little cocoon of warmth. Jane had even accidentally tossed her on the cement when diving for a foul ball. What a splendid memory. Maura wanted to recreate the memory as best as she could.

She was in luck, the Colorado Rockies were set to play the Red Sox that day. Quickly selecting an option to pick up her ticket at the door Maura beamed, knowing that this must have happened for a reason, even though she knew that things happened because of cause and effect. Sometime she would indulge in the simple idiocracies that the general public would sucuumb to. Grabbing her keys and bag, Maura headed out the door pausing to look in the mirror and remind herself that she needed to be Amelia now and she needed to act like it.

"Well, looks like I'm going to a baseball game." Maura declared to herself squaring her shoulder and turning towards the door "I'm going to have a good time, and no one is gonna stop me"

Driving towards Coors Field, Maura flipped through the radio stations. All they played these days was that womp womp music that sounded like a tabletop nebulizer, and degrading hip hop with no lyrical hook. Thinking of what Jane liked to listen to, Maura scanned the stations until it to the classic rock station. As the first few chords of "American Pie" by Don Mclean started to play, she allowed herself to be lulled into a memory of the last time she had heard this song.

"Hey Maura, why do you always make me listen to music twice?" Jane has asked with a confused look on her face, "I mean, I know that you like music, but do you really need to hear it twice in a row? I mean, I know that they said the music died but Maur, I think it's still alive in this case.

Maura just smiled and put her hand over Jane's, on the center console, driving towards her house for another Rizzoli Sunday dinner "I like to hear a song, make an assessment on what it means, and then listen to it once more just to solidify my theory and interpretation of the piece. For example: this song is about the "The Day the Music Died" the 1959 plane crash that killed Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper in 1959 but one could also speculate that it was a cry for attention from the ever-growing rock n roll community! It is such a beautiful song, that I just have to hear it at least a second time just to hear a new meaning!"

"Okay Dr. Isles, no need to burst a blood vessel over a song that came out like 4 years before I was even born. Take a chill pill" Jane chided lightly, feigning impatience at her knowledgable better half.

"That's the wonderful thing about art, it means something different to everyone" the M.E. quipped and changed lanes, taking the exit towards her Beacon Hill home. "I'm also going to ignore the comments about blood vessels, and a magical pill that lowers one's core temperature"

"Only you could make something like Don McLean sound like cancer diagnosis. I know that I complain when you explain things to me Maur, but I really love watching how your eyes light up, and you get all excited because you've got a gift of knowledge to give me" Jane purred into Maura's ear causing Maura's heart to flutter and her face to flush. These were the moment she lived for. If Jane hadn't stopped then, they never would have made it home on time.

Snapping back to reality, Maura accelerated through the intersection and pulled into the parking area for the game. Maura knew the social faux pas she would create wearing red on the Rockies side, so she decided to wait until the game started and make her way over to the Boston side. Until that time came, the doctor kept herself busy by going over the batting averages of all the players on the roster for tonight. Hearing the star spangled banner start, Maura entered the field, and made her way towards the Red Sox side, which was slightly bare given the fact that they were in Denver, not Boston. She set the simple Red Sox blanket that Jane made her years ago on the bleachers, and settled herself in for the duration of the game.

Halfway through the game, Maura had no idea what the score was but she was having the greatest time. The couple next to her had matching Sox jerseys on that said "I'm hers" & "I'm his" and she thought it was the cutest thing. Wishing she had someone to share something like that wish, she thought of Eric and sighed. She needed to break up with him; she couldn't keep stringing him along, it wasn't fair to him. She would deal with that later, for now this moment, this was about honoring Jane.

'Oh my God, Jane's probably watching this game' Maura thought, searching for the cameras around the stadium. If Jane saw her alive, she knew that there would be no force on Earth to keep Jane from making a huge scene and trying to find her. Well, at least she hoped that Jane would still care enough. Feeling like her presence here was skirting the line too closely; Maura bid her fellow game watchers goodbye. She stood up and made her way out of the stadium. Still feeling oddly refreshed after sharing something like that, hoping that she was doing the same thing as Jane, even in a different bout of homesickness and vulnerability. . Getting into her car, she wished she'd had her Prius with her. She wanted to get home, she needed to be home.

She needed to see Jane.

Deciding that wasn't really an option,Maura unlocked the 3 locks on her door and realized that she had no recollection of the drive home, or even walking up to her door. That started the doctor, she never surrendered control or lost focus like that.

Shaking slightly after that rush of emotion, Maura keyed in her code and nearly ran inside her house. The microwaved showed that it was about 8 p.m. Maura kicked of her shoes and made her way towards the living room. She sat down on her couch and grabbed her laptop, booting it up thinking maybe she could cheer herself up. Agent Clark had warned her not to go anywhere suspicious that could lead people to her but Maura was having none of it. Thinking that it would be best to be anonymous, she logged into an anonymous proxy and went to /BPD, a video storage site for the Boston Police Department. It was all public speaking and press conferences, and it was all public domain, but Maura figured that it would be better if she still took that extra precaution.

Typing "Rizzoli" into the search bar, the site auto suggested:

"Rizzoli, Francesco

Rizzoli, Jane C

and Rizzoli, Angela"

Deciding that she wasn't quite ready, Maura clicked on Angela, thinking maybe the face of her former motherly figure would help ease her into this. A video came up, a commercial for the division one cafe. Angela looked considerably older, even though it had only been a year since Maura had seen her. She looked happy to be honest and that kind of stung Maura. She realized that it was selfish, but it really hurt to see someone so detrimental to her life be so okay when she wasn't there. It also stung knowing that she cared more for Angela than she did her own lineage

Deciding that she was ready, Maura clicked on Jane's name and the first thing to pop up was the press conference after Maura's funeral. It was heartbreaking, just as Maura was about to play it, her front door burst open and Eric stormed in looking like he had seen better days.

"Amelia, I'm glad you're home, do we have any scotch? I'm fucking irritated and I wanna go numb as soon as I can" Lamented the Surgeon, plopping on Maura's couch and putting his shoe clad feet on her table, disregarding anything in his way. This was one of the many reasons that she just couldn't keep him in her life.

It was the little things that made her more and more upset these days, looking over to the brooding man, Maura picked up his feet and guided them off of the table and onto the floor.

"Eric, we need to talk; I'm not happy. I can't justify this right now, but I don't think we are working out" she said, avoiding any eye contact with the man in front of her.

"I, uh" said Eric, his face contorting into something more than just anger. The Doctor looked like he was capable of things far worse than Maura had imagined. "You don't get to fucking do this Amelia. You don't get to fuck around with me, and then leave me. I made it per-fec-ly clear in the beginning that I don't do booty calls; I don't do one night stands. I am a relationship type of man, and I don't get fucking jerked around like a playboy, especially from women like you."

"Women like ME?" Maura was fuming; she had to diffuse her anger before she said something she regretted. Sighing softly, she muttered "Eric, I think you should just go. I just need time to myself, please.

Turning towards the door, Eric stomped towards the entrance quickly spinning on one foot, pointing his finger in Maura's face

"Mark my words, Amelia fucking Harris. You will NEVER find another man like me, I hope you know that"

With those words he stormed out, slamming the door so hard it send a picture frame to the floor.

"Maura Isles, I'M MAURA ISLES" screamed the doctor, picking up the pieces of glass off the floor that seemed like a haunting display of her life. "AND I DON'T FUCKING WANT A MAN LIKE YOU, I WANT MY DETECTIVE YOU SONOFABITCH"


	3. Chapter 3

My dearest Maura,

You know, I always write you little notes and small letters once a week, but it's never much but a floating thought, or something Frankie said that was funny. But these- these yearly ones I actually spend lots time on perfecting and writing; I have no idea why. Who's going to read it? It's not like I know where you are whether it be 6 hours away or 6 feet under. Either way, a lot has happened this year and I need to get it off of my chest.

I'm so torn. I just keep telling myself that I need to move on, but every single time I even look at someone, they don't compare to you. I need to feel wanted, desired even; I just need to feel. But, I can't do that because you've ruined me for anyone else, Maur. No one has hair that smells like yours, or arms that fit me just right, and no one especially can call me Jay and make me swoon. No one is good enough for me Maura, so I guess I'll just go through life alone.

I'm kinda losing my energy Maura. I think about you every day, and I talk about you even more than that. I can't make peace with what has happened and I'm still so pissed that I barely got to kiss you goodbye. I go to your grave every Sunday, even if I have a case, and I sing you our song and bring you roses. Not those roses from 1-800-flowers though, the flowers that you and I planted when you decided you needed a garden, 4 years ago. I figure that I can bring some normality to you, maybe make you feel at home. Are you really down there Maura? Were you really shot and killed that wretched day three years ago? If that proves true then I can only say I would join you soon after, as I'm finding it harder and harder to stay on this Earth. What's the point if you're not here? Remember the song we first made love to? Do you remember holding me so tight and we cried because it pained us too much to think of life without the other. It's true though, I will follow you into the dark, Maura.

I will follow you into the dark.

-Jane

Tiny little snow flurries drifted like powdered sugar over the windshield of the Prius where Jane sat at the train tracks bouncing her knee nervously. She felt her chest heaving as her heartbeats became erratic. She still, after 6 months being there, was not 100% comfortable living in the house again. But, Jane's lease had ended and they had jacked the rent up almost a hundred bucks; it just wasn't even worth it anymore. She had moved back into their shared home back in June and was still getting settled. She couldn't change anything in the house. She just couldn't bear to lose any more of Maura, as pitiful as that sounded. It had been three years today, three years since she'd been happy. Finally the train moved and Jane accelerated through the intersection, desperate to get home after a long day at work.

She pulled up and parked on the street, staring at the large house that was slowly starting to become a home again. Jane exited the vehicle with a groan and made her way up the walk, pausing at the front door. The Detective grabbed her keys with trembling hands trying to unlock the front door. After numerous attempts she shakily pushed on the heavy wooden door as it creaked open with a groan.

"One, Two, Three", Jane's breathing was steady as she walked into the foyer and stood for a moment. It's not like anything had changed, but sometimes, after a long day, she just stopped and looked around. Even after 3 years, she still had wanted to call out for Maura, asking what was for dinner. She wanted to walk up behind her love and sweep her off her feet suddenly, getting playful swat in return.

She still had notes on the fridge and the answering machine was still their message. When Jane had a particularly bad night, she would grab a 6 pack and loop the message, just to hear her voice again. It fucking stung, but she would be able to function for a few days after. Jane had one of the post-it's laminated and stuck into her wallet. When no one was looking, she escaped to the bathroom to: kiss the note, whisper what was wrong, and hopefully calm her shit down. It was the most simple note, written on a BPD post it note, crumpled in the corner from the too-heavy magnet dropping it to the floor.

Jay,

I will probably be working late tonight, as I have an abundance of paperwork to finish. There's some of your mother's gnocchi in the refrigerator and a fresh 6-pack in the crisper. I love you pretty girl, and I'll try not to wake you when I come home.

Oh, and you look so adorable when you're sleeping, just to let you know.

:),

Maura 3

It was little things like those notes that made Maura just so hard to let go. Jane was starting to lose her faith that Maura was still alive. She never wanted to give up hope, but it was just too damn hard to keep going on like nothing was wrong. She had always prided herself on being strong in weak situations, but it's hard knowing that nobody in the entire world agreed with you on something that was so close to your heart.

The defeated detective sauntered over to the couch and flopped down in a tangle of limbs. Maybe she just needed to go out and have fun? That seemed like such a chore anymore. Everyone was just too quiet and too quick to ask if she was okay. Which was sweet for the first 100 times, but not three years later. She's wasn't dead yet, so she was better off than some. She'd better hurry and turn some lights on, if Angela knew she was off and didn't show some sign of life she would be getting a phone call. Some days Angela threw all courtesy out the window and just barged over from the guest house. Jane needed to get drunk tonight, that's for sure.

Jane had always wondered why her mother never left the small guest house. Maura had left Angela the house in her will, with the expenses paid for a considerable amount of years, but Angela had looked at Maura as her daughter, especially after she had announced her relationship with Jane. Angela could not picture anyone more perfect for her daughter and was devastated when she was killed. Whether she was blood related or not, it hurts like hell to have someone you'd just added to your family, be taken away in such a tragic and sudden way.

A few hours later, after an awkward cab ride to the robber, and an embarrassing amount of alcohol had been consumed, Jane had collected enough shot glasses to build a small castle. With a whoop, she let the vile liquid make its way down her throat for the last time. and sighed with relief. Jane felt human again. She paid her tab with a large tip she couldn't afford and sat outside the Robber on the curb watching cars drive by into the dusky sunset. Frost had already called and told her to stop what she was doing and that he was on his way.

She thought about how much Frost had really helped her out these past few years. He had helped her move back into Maura's house, offering a shoulder when she needed to cry. He had, on many occasions, called to check in on her after a hard case, just listening to her talk about how much she missed Maura. He even took her on a date for Maura's birthday last year and they had ended up at an art museum, looking at a piece that Constance had left there after her showing. It had been nice, and she had sang Happy Birthday to Maura's plot and put some My Pretty Pony decorations around the angel's wings, lightning the whole situation a bit.

But, it had been three years today; Jane was tired of pretending and being alone. She just wanted someone to talk to, not even a relationship. She knew she was being manipulative making Frost do all of these things. Tommy had told Jane long ago about Barry's confession in the rubble of the building they were crushed in, and at the time Jane didn't mind because she had been very in love with Maura and Frost had never tried a single thing, and never would; that's just the type of person he was.

Hearing a familiar "Honk!", Jane looked up to see a tired Frost, leaning out the window.

"Hey Jane, I'm just coming off of a 28-er, can I crash at your place" Frost muttered, eyelids drooping. He knew that he wasn't really in the best shape to drive, but he couldn't just leave Jane alone. He wouldn't admit it, but he would do anything short of dying for her. He loved her, but she had loved Maura and boy was it obvious she was not healing well.

Trying his hardest to keep his eyes open, Frost eventually pulled onto Jane's street and parked across from her home. It was weird to think that Jane lived here by herself in this big house. But, Maura had lived alone for who knows how long before Jane came along. That thought alone was enough to make Barold's heart go out to the fallen M.E. again.

Staggering towards Maura's house, nearly taking out the mailbox, Jane fumbled to find which house key opened the front door. Becoming increasingly frustrated over her lack of sobriety and coordination, Jane handed her keys to Frost, who guided them into the foyer when he realized that Jane had not even locked the door to begin with. Jane grabbed his hand and gave him the saddest look he'd ever seen. Her big brown doe eyes were watery and tinted a bit red from the alcohol coursing through her system.

"Will you do me a solid Frost, please? I need to forget. Please?" Jane asked looking at the floor, ashamed to say the things she'd been thinking out loud.

"Jane, what?! Make you forget? You're already like 10 miles past drunk, and I have no intentions of feeding an ever-growing dependence on whisky."

"No Frost, she was the last person to have me, and I can't deal with that. I'm supposed to be healing, and all I can do is think about the last time we made love. It hurts Barry, it hurts because I'm giving up, and I just need someone to tell me that I don't need to keep looking. I don't want anything past tonight; I probably won't even remember it, but I- I just need to"

"You need to sleep that's all it is" Frost said wearily. He was exhausted and it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep his eyes open and to make things worse, Jane was eyeing him in a way that made him uncomfortable. He was literally about to pass out, so he just made his way to the guest room and shut the door, passing out on the bed, shoes and badge still in their places, with no hopes to awaken for at least 12 hours.

Jane grabbed a beer from the fridge, feeling dejected. She just wanted a physical release that she could not satisfy herself. Every time she tried to do so, it was Maura whispering her name, or grabbing her hair, sometimes Maura even took control of her body, making the anguish worse in the end. She knew that he had always harbored feelings for her, why wouldn't he do this one thing? Maybe she just needed to take some initiative, and seize what she wanted.

Frost awoke the next morning, feeling a train full of leg cramps had run him over. The sun was too bright, the damn birds were too loud, and the stupid asshole next to him was snoring like a bullhorn.

wait…

…thoroughly confused, Frost moved himself from where he assumed he had landed the night before, upside down on the bed facing the floor in the guest bedroom at Maura's. Who was next to him?

When Frost saw the crazy array of signature Rizzoli hair, he panicked. He didn't remember coming here, or how he got here. He hadn't been drinking, and he knew better than to drive while under an influence. The last thing he remembered was Jane calling him after he and Korsak finally finished their DD5's after working for more than a day straight. Normally, Jane would have been there to help make a dent, but it was an unspoken deal that she did not show up on a few days. One was Maura's birthday, their anniversary, and the last was the day she had died.

"Jane, Jane. Get up man, we gotta go in. Lieutenant is gonna rip me a new asshole for being late, it's like 9 a.m., I needed to be there like 3 hours ago." Frost said shaking the body lying next to him on the queen sized bed.

Finally after a moment of grumbling and some incoherent swearing, Jane flung herself up, mane of hair and all. She squinted her eyes into the harsh daylight, as her actions from the night before came back to her. She had done things that made her sick to her stomach to think about. She had taken advantage of her best friend while he was sleeping to cure an ache that she could have waited out. How selfish was that? This classified as rape! What would she do? This was so wrong.

"Uh, go ahead and go Frost, I'll drive my cruiser to the station. I..um..do you remember last night? It's kinda fuzzy for me?" Jane lied between her teeth, hoping that he wouldn't, this was embarrassing and she should be ashamed of herself.

"Erm, no, I actually don't; it's all kinda blurry. Jane, why are you just in your underwear?!" Frost covered his eyes, avoiding the woman he still respected more than anything else "I know we're partners but did you just collapse into bed like that? People don't just do..Jane? Why…Why…Why is there what looks like…male…fluids on the sheets? Did you let me sleep in a bed you've been doin the dirty on? Cause super fuckin nasty dude."

Judging by the tears in Jane's eyes, and his sudden realization that his fly was not where it should be, Frost looked at Jane, taking a deep breath as he asked the question that he did not want the answer to.

"Jane, did we sleep together?"

Jane,

I am trying too hard to make my life move forward; it's slowly draining the life out of me. I can't write very long, but no matter what happens, I love you. You will never be replaced in my heart and it kills me everyday when I wake up alone. I love you pretty girl.

Maura.

Maura locked her car, and walked towards the sports bar that she was meeting her date at. It was 7:58 p.m. and she hadn't seen any sign of their car in the parking lot. Dr. Ari was a chief resident and the hospital she worked at, and she had been inquiring about her status for quite some time. She had done her mandatory sniffling this morning, but Maura was determined to honor her memory of Jane by having a decent time, instead of playing Mahjong on her phone with Bass all night while crying into quinoa.

She pushed open the yellow doors with what seemed like a large mammal on the handle. Maura had never been here before, but the atmosphere seemed like something Jane would go to, and they served Blue Moon. After being seated by a waiter wearing a Jersey, Maura noticed that the words "fight night" were posted everywhere. Was there entertainment here as well? It was rather loud, as people were gesturing towards the larger projection screen which seemed to have some sort of Martial Arts being performed.

Finally, Dr. Ari approached, still dressed in her hospital attire. Maura chided herself on not knowing her name before accepting her date proposal. It had been a long while since Maura had accepted a date request. Even Eric had never taken her on a proper date. When you work at all hours of the day, being at home kind of becomes a privilege and you grasp that opportunity whenever possible.

Dr. Ari was a tall lanky woman with skin the color of warm chocolate. Maura had never seen her with her hair down and was quite surprised at how long it was, falling nearly to the belt of her tight blue scrubs. Maura looked away, temporarily embarrassed for staring rudely without introduction.

"Hello Amelia, quite nice to see you. I apologize for me being late, and my outfit. I had an emergency to attend to. I won't go into detail, have you ordered yet?" Dr. Ari asked while setting her coat down. It was starting to get cold out at night, especially higher up here in the mountains.

"Hello, I'm so sorry; I never caught your name. I always just called you Dr. Ari. It smells wonderful in here, I've never been here but my old partner used to say that wings were the cure for anything." Maura blushed and looked down; you were not supposed to talk about exes on the first date. She didn't expect a second date really, but she wanted to at least be respectful, and maybe she would make a friend. Three years is too long to go without bonding in an area.

"It's Asha, my name, that is. Oh, I love this place. I love how you can get lost in the crowd and just duck out of the presence of others. Also, they have fantastic pretzels" Asha said with a small smile, she was warming up to the cold doctor, and could tell that she was still uncomfortable."So, why now Amelia? I mean, I've been asking you out for years, and this time I just asked for the hell of it. I was over the moon when you agreed, but you don't seem too enthralled by the idea of spicy wings."

The Doctor sighed and unfolded her napkin into her lap "I-I haven't been on a date, in a year or two" Maura admitted "it's been even longer since I've gone on a date with a woman" Maura smiled softly at her date, who seemed to pick up on her discomfort.

Asha smiled at Maura and grabbed her hand from across the table, silently letting Maura know that she was ok here, and that she was setting the pace. She had seen that look before, especially when she talked to the spouses of those patients that she just couldn't save. Amelia had been hurt, and was not quite healed yet.

"Amelia, I can tell that you are uncomfortable. You know, let's scratch the date premise. Let's just be two co-workers out for dinner. I just want to know you; I don't need to date you to do that. I can see the hurt you display when asked about dating, so tell me something that makes you happy" Dr. Ari tilted her head slightly and smiled with the last part of that sentence.

"Bass, Bass makes me happy. He's an African Spurred Tortoise, and he's my only other resident. He's been with me for, I don't know, 15 years? He acts as my confidant; if you couldn't tell, I'm not very personable. I've just been through a lot these years; I lost a partner awhile back and I keep thinking about her because she would have loved it here, and I never let her take me on a date here because I didn't care for draft beer. I'm sorry; this is too much, and I just ramble sometimes. This was supposed to be about what makes me happy, not my sad life story." Maura mumbled, cradling her head in her hands. She was making quite the fool out of herself, and she hadn't even ordered her food yet.

"NO!" Asha cried, grabbing onto one of Maura's wrists, "You sound like you need to talk about her, tell me about her, and distract me from my own woman problems for a bit. I don't know what it is about you Amelia Harris, but I just love listening to you talk."

So, Maura proceeded to tell her about Jane, kind of. It's hard not being able to say her name, or what she did. So, instead Maura told Dr. Ari about their first date, their first Christmas, when Jane slept over for the first time, and ended with the story of how Jane had asked her about starting a family, only three days before they were separated. Not knowing how to avoid the truth about their situations, Maura just let the conversation fizzle out as she picked at her spicy wings. They tasted like Jane after she'd gone out following a ball game. The beer on tap smelled like Jane's gym bag, and the cologne these men were wearing reminded Maura of more intimate times with her detective. All of this was becoming just a tad too much.

Maura needed to get out of here so, after insisting on grabbing the check, the frazzled brunette had paid, leaving a handsome tip for their waiter, who seemed to take note of her discomfort. and booked it out of there like a bat out of hell. She just wanted to go home and cry about her failed date. What if Jane had ruined her for everyone else? She hadn't even felt anything for the first year when she was with Eric. She could never find someone with that beautiful mane of hair, or those legs that went on for days in the perfect heels. No one else was as warm as Jane, and no one could fill the hole in Maura's heart. She thought that after three years, things would get easier; she couldn't have been more wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

Please don't hate me guys, it will get better eventually!

"So Lola, how are we feeling today" Dr. Harris asked cringing when she used the term "we". Jane had always (made of of) Slucky for that, and now she was doing it out of habit. She couldn't very well help it though, it was something that they taught you in medical school, even if that had been a while ago.

"I'm feeling good Dr. Harris, I stopped throwing up and I don't hafta sleep in the bathroom anymore!" the tiny child exclaimed, bouncing up and down on her table. This child had captured her heart with her big brown eyes full of mischief and her gap-toothed smile that turned into a smirk every time her parents chastised her for being naughty. She reminded her of her sarcastic Detective that she knew all too well, would certainly be in cahoots with this little tornado in no time! Lola had been one of her favorite patients, she had been taking care of her since she was a toddler; she and Maura had formed quite the bond.

"I'm glad you're feeling better Lola. Where's your mother? You're all done here, and I don't think that you want to stay in this room any longer" Maura laughed quietly. It was very well known that little Lola loathed going to the doctor, and was never shy to voice her complaints about her care. Maura's heart warmed when the tiny kid shot her a mischievous smile, knowing that Maura had figured her out. The little spitfire had come in with broken bones, cracked ribs, and even a second-degree burn. She always had a tall tale to tell, and boy was she exuberant when doing so.

"Jeremy's learnin how ta poop in the big potty, so whenever he makes that weird face like he's pushing a watermelon, Ma runs with him to the ladies' room. I dunno if she knows it or not, but the only reason he won't go when we're not home is that Ma always takes him into the wrong bathroom. He wants to go potty like a big boy, but how can he with a bunch of icky girls around?" Lola deadpanned while snuggling into the comfy recliner in Exam 1 of the children's hospital. Maura generally spent her time doing basic pediatric care, she was not cleared for surgery; she was still not full-time and her medical license was from Massachusetts, but the hospital didn't know that. It was quite a tangle of paperwork, so Maura said she'd be fine to just work in the children's clinic most of the time. She enjoyed it here, she didn't have to deal with terminal patients too often, and she had felt herself loosening up over the years as she worked here. She had broken and started wearing scrubs and crocs like every other doctor here, foregoing anything with her hair other than a ponytail, and bun even on warm days.

"Dr. H, you don't look very happy? What's wrong, do you have to poop?" Lola asked, a look of deep concern marking her tiny face.

"No darling." Maura stifled a laugh that threatened to escape. "I'm just having a hard day today, I always get kind of sad around this time of year"

Dear Jane,

My, it's been four years hasn't it? I'm sure that you've given up on me. I can't really blame you; four years is a long time. That's twice as long as we had dated, how (odd it )that?

"But, Dr. H, it's so nice outside!" Lola cried, gesturing to the sun coming through the window; it had been raining for almost a week straight and Maura could only assume that the child and her siblings were going stir crazy being cooped up together. The doctor smiled when she'd thought of the girls rowdy family.

I miss you Jane. I'm starting to forget you, and I'm not sure that I can live with that. I haven't heard your rugged voice in my dreams. I haven't felt the ghosted touch of your hands in my hair. I used to be able to convince myself that you were there next to me in my bed, that's far too large for one person, so I could sleep at least an hour. I no longer relish the time between deep sleep and waking up because I no longer can fool myself into happiness. I've been thinking a lot Jane, not all of it good.

"Wow Doc, she seems like special lady. We you guys married? My Ma and Pa were married and all they did was yell and break stuff. You don't seem like the kind of lady to yell though" Lola said winking at Maura, and cocking her eyebrow, trying to appear suave.

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed, Maura just smiled and looked down. Good Lord this 7 year old child was a spitting image of the woman she loved. Why was everything leading back to Jane today? Honestly, four years is a long time. Ample time to move on with one's life, which was terrifying to think about.

"You know what Lola, let's go find your mother and Jeremy, I don't feel so well and you know what that feels like" the doctor said, ushering the little firecracker out of the room and into the lobby.

I've been thinking that I'm far too lonely Jane. I can't keep staying in my house by myself, it's too quiet here. I still yearn for the noises of the city and the smell of your apartment. My body still aches for the times where we teased each other until we broke. I miss your fingers trailing along the waist of my jeans, never moving faster than you'd planned, I yearn for your breath on my neck making my nerves burst with electric heat. Do you remember coming apart when I'd grab your hair? Do you miss my hands on your shoulder, pushing you down to where I needed you most? Those times where we'd chant each other's name because those were the only words we knew. Does anyone do that for you now Jane? No one else can do those things like you do to me. Oh Jane, I'm such a mess. I need someone to be with me. It may not end up like we always planned, but damned if I don't try. Please believe in me Jane, I will make it back to you. I swear on the Isles name, that I will be there one day never to leave again.

Smoothing out her white coat, Maura guided the sweet girl out to the lobby to meet with her overzealous family. She had known today would be a struggle, it always was. But, she'd thought that she could handle today if she just diverted her focus. She had been focusing on her job to distract her from the deep hollow loneliness she had been feeling. She hadn't had a date in over a year, since the terrible incident with Dr. Ari, who had quickly transferred programs after their horrible date, if you could even call it that.

The clock beeped, letting Maura know that it was now 5:00p.m. and she was free to go home and cry with a bottle of wine, cuddling with Bass in front of the t.v.

I find myself wondering sometimes. Since I don't enjoy this life one bit, should I stay in it? Should I break all protocol, pack up bass, and move back to Boston? Oh Jane, that would make me so happy. But, I would be crushed if you'd already moved on, just obliterated. Does someone now hold your heart?( it's beautiful heart,) I don't see why it shouldn't be taken care of, but I'd always pictured myself taking that responsibility. I only just had the thought, and I don't know if I can survive thinking about it any longer. I'd spent so many years alone; I don't even know if I can deal with that state of mind again after tasting how beautiful our love was- is. I just don't what to do Jane, I need to stop dealing and start learning to cope. But, does that mean that (I've give you) up? I guess that I don't want to know that answer. I suppose I'll get back to you

Forever yours,

Maura

Maura stopped at her front door and sighed. No matter how many times she'd tried, she always started to yell for Jane as soon as she entered the house. Today, she was going to try and stop that before it started. Today, she needed to start to live again. Unlocking the door and stepping inside, Maura looked around the drab house she merely resided in. This was not her home, she knew where that was. This, This was a permanent temporary fix to a problem that had happened around 1465 days ago. Maura grabbed her laptop off the coffee table, and grabbed a beer, bottle only, out of the fridge, and made her way towards her bedroom. There was no shame in heading to bed with a beer at 6:300p.m. was there?

Placing her laptop on her bed, Maura took a few moments to collect her thoughts. Was she really ready to take a step like this? It seemed sadly ironic that the honey blonde was going to have to resort to this in order to make her life happier. She had discussed it with Jane, and they had come to terms with it. But, Maura needed just a little bit more out of life.

She'd have to think about it though. What would Jane say? She couldn't be sad, right? All Maura knew was one thing: She needed a child to survive this life, someone who would never leave her alone.

Opening her browser, Maura searched for the nearest adoption agency. She had found out, in the years prior, that she was not genetically able to carry children. She hadn't taken it too badly when she'd found out; at the time she'd been fresh out of Med school and was very career focused. She hadn't planned on falling in love with one of Boston's finest, and wanting to start a family.

Now, she wanted a child. She wanted to be a mother, and she needed to make some changes if she wanted to be one. Maura downloaded the packet she needed to read over, and sighed. Everything would be okay. Mentally checking out things she needed to get lined up before she applied. She had at least 3 month paid sick time, and she would need to call many daycares after that. This list was endless in Maura's brain but she would make it work, she always did.

"wah!"  
"woo!"  
"wee!

Jane sat up with a start. Shaking her head out of the sleep- filled haze that clouded her brain. She arose with a groan and padded her way, in her bunny slippers, towards the bedroom connected to hers. She slept lightly these days, she couldn't afford to sleep soundly. Softy walking up to the cherry oak crib, Jane leaned over and saw those pretty brown eyes staring back at her. Daniel, her son, with his curly black hair and skin the color of cappuccino, was babbling his little baby speak at the cat stuffy that Korsak had gotten him.

Daniel was most of the reason that Jane had stopped drinking, going on, and started accepting desk duty a little more readily. He had been quite the surprise, stemming from an awkward night last year. Jane had gotten too drunk for her own good and made some terrible, horrible, and embarrassing mistakes. Frost, after avoiding Jane for a few days, was a little brokenhearted. Jane hadn't truly spoken to him since she had taken advantage of him in his sleep deprived state, and violated his trust. No one at BPD knew about it, Jane had taken the flack and told everyone that she had gotten drunk and gone home with someone before Frost could even get her.

Barry had been heartbroken. Jane was his hero, his leader of sorts. She had used him, and he wasn't even awake to remember it. He knew that she had technically assaulted him, but he did eventually remember the plead and drunken state that Jane had embodied that night. He had forgiven her but their trust was shattered, and that was the worst thing that could happen to partners. Frost had quietly put in for a transfer of partners. Korsak was more than willing to oblige and just assumed that Frost was disheartened over Jane's constant talking about Maura. Frost was a sensitive man, and the loss of what he considered to be a good friend was pretty hard to deal with.

Jane had give him two options when she found out that she was pregnant. She could carry on like nothing happened, and never speak of their encounter again. Or, alternatively, Barry could sign the birth certificate and they would share custody. Claiming that he didn't want a child, Barry was swiftly said that Uncle Barry was fine, he was currently enjoying the bachelor life. So, the father line on Daniel Lee Rizzoli's birth certificate was blank, which is secretly what Jane had hoped would happen.

Her pregnancy had actually gone smoothly other than no one in her family really spoke with her until she had taken her maternity leave about 6 months ago. Her Ma had started coming in and would silently make her dinner, claiming that 'it was for the unborn child'. Jane's family also thought that she had slept with a stranger, which is why they took every opportunity to talk about marriage. Even Frankie or rather, forever single Frankie as he liked to call himself, was pushing Jane to either give up the father, or maybe thinking about settling down. The only person who seemed to actually care about Jane's well being was Tommy. Tommy had made his fair share of mistakes, one was currently getting ready to start pre-school in the next coming year.

Jane remembered being in the delivery room trying to conjure up Maura's voice to give her some motivation. She quickly grabbed for her phone, remembering that she had saved her voicemail from when Jane had taken the Lieutenant's exam, nearly 7 years ago. That was 100% the reason Jane refused to change phones, even though her space button didn't work, and when you put someone on speakerphone they sounded like they were out at sea. Jane quickly pressed the button to play the small pep talk that Maura had left her:

"Hi pretty girl, I know that you're still testing, but I'm on my lunch and I just wanted to say that I love you. You are a stupendous person, Jane Rizzoli, and I am honored to call you mine. You can do it Jay, I believe in you. You're the greatest ever. I love you, I've gotta go. Good luck."

That had been the speech that kept Jane in focus through the 7 hour labor. No one seemed to surprised when little Daniel had come out a little darker than planned; they were just happy to see Jane happy. Jane has just whispered "We did it Maur, we finally had a baby." into Daniels little black baby curls.

Dear Maura,

I know that I talk about Daniel all the time in my letters, but this one is special. This is the first day our little Danny-bear slept through the night. He woke me up at 6 a.m. which is fantastic, because that little butt didn't go down until almost 10. He's started looking, like really, looking at the mobile Tommy made him. You'd be excited Maur- it's a scientifically correct solar system, with stars. I think Danny-bear likes Mars best, but that's just my opinion.

I ruined things with Frost, I don't want to talk about it. He's the only person who knows about Daniel's actual conception. I trust him with that secret, but why did I have to ruin such a good friendship? It's because I'm still grieving Maur. I don't know what it is, I just can't shake the feeling that you're sitting somewhere on a beach with hot men rubbing lotion on you. If Bass is with you, they probably have him eating gourmet British Strawberries.

Ma finally started to talk to me again, but I'm not allowed to say your name to anyone. They all apparently find it annoying that I only talk about one person, a dead person at that. Do I really believe that? I think that I'm starting to. You know, if they ever found these notebooks that I write to you in, they'd ship me off to a crazy house. I've written you a letter every single week since the shooting, I have about 3 notebooks filled front-to-back. I have a feeling that after this year though, I might stop. But, I don't know. Would you wait for me if I was gone? How long would you wait for me before you moved on? Have you Maura? That's okay baby girl, all I want is for you to be happy.

I think he notices that I kiss your picture before I crawl into bed; it's hanging up in hallway outside the nursery. He looks at it sometimes, and I tell him about you. I call you Maura-Momma. I tell him stories of your heroics, and sometime I tell him about the antics we had. I tell him everything, because he's the only one who listens to me anymore.

I'm going to stop while I'm ahead because like his Momma, Daniel enjoys a nice poop in the morning :)

I (we) love you Maura, forever and always.

Jane and Daniel Rizzoli.

Jane snuggled her face into her son's dark curls. For being a mixed child, he had seemed to keep the Rizzoli hair, something Jane wouldn't have wished upon anyone. Placing raspberries on his little onesie covered tummy, Jane started to dress her little man. He was going to Angela's today until Jane was off, she really couldn't resist his cute dimples and happy brown eyes. He really was a charmer, given his parentage. With one last kiss to each dimple, Jane grabbed her coat covered munchkin and waltzed out the door, grabbing a binkie and the diaper bag on her way out yet another day of work.

She loaded up her blue lion decorated diaper bag into the back of her trusty Prius, and went to work putting her little man into his car seat. Jane maneuvered his little hands out of her hair, and slipped the mitten clipped to the coat onto his hand, making sure his coat was zipped, and little beanie wrapped around his head. While he was going to Angela's house, which was about 5 feet away, her Ma liked to show him around BPD as if he were her child. Jane could see the hurt in Frost's eyes every time he laid eyes on him. Jane had tried on multiple attempts to give Frost some information about Daniel in case he wanted it; he seemed like he didn't care at all. It was his right but if he ever wanted to know him, as a father, Jane would let him in a heartbeat; it was something that he deserved. Starting the quiet car, Jane drove off towards BPD, hoping that today would be better than the years prior.


	5. Chapter 5

Jane,

I actually did it! I faxed over the last of the paperwork yesterday. I'm officially registered as an adoptive parent and my last Homestudy is tomorrow! So far, it's been quite a struggle, it's nearly impossible to find an adoption agency without religious affiliation, you know how I feel about those things. The Agency's Social Worker, Mrs. Peterson is wonderful. I had to go through the ringer because I'm not married and was truthful about my orientation. I even had to talk to Agent Clark because I'm terrified of committing fraud on all of this paperwork; he assured me that the names I gave were legal though.

I've kind of had this unrealistic image of the child I want to adopt even though I know it doesn't work like that. Mrs. Peterson expressed her dislike for that thought process after I admitted to dreaming of an ideal child. I want a little Rizzoli, even though that's not really possible. I want a beautiful little boy with big brown eyes and a spot where his front teeth should be but, those came out once his face met Mr. Basketball. I want to ruffle his crazy brown curls and watch his dimples show when she smiles and calls me "mama". I know this is unrealistic, but this is how I cope now Jane.

I miss you still. I know you've long forgotten me, it has been 5 years. Sometimes, I look at old letters I've written you and laugh. I was so optimistic that I would see you once again. But, as each year draws to an end, the chance of that is slim. Oh well, I mustn't dwell on this year after year.

Goodbye again love,

-M

Maura folder her letter and tucked it into the cigar box that she had started keeping her letter in. Locking the fixture, Maura sighed; taking a moment to clear the jumbled thoughts in her head. She had started that letter at least a week ago, her last visit with Mrs. Peterson had gone off without a hitch. She had made an appointment to go meet with some children at a group home near her, which is what she was currently getting ready for. The half-written letter had pleaded to be finished, and Maura couldn't help but finish it knowing that no one would read it.

She looked at herself in her mirror and smiled slightly, Agent Clark had given her the go-ahead to lighten her hair a tad. So, immediately after that phone call, Maura had gone to the salon and she now was rocking light brown hair with some auburn highlights, to keep with the autumn theme. Okay, there wasn't anything left to fuss over, she needed to leave.

"Ms. Harris, what a pleasure! I'm Katherine, and this is my assistant Marie" A round, jovial women with hair the color of straw said motioning to her mousy parter, who seemed meek and quiet.

"Hello, do call me Amelia. I do suppose that we will be seeing each other frequently" Maura said, trying to hide her nerves. She wanted a child so badly, but she was starting to have second thoughts.

"Everyone gets them" Katherine said, waving a hand in Maura's direction "Nerves. They're perfectly normal; you are doing something most people wouldn't. Come with us, we'll take a walk through the playground, you can see all the kids there and won't have to worry about them ambushing you. Judging by your attire, they'll most likely think that you're a social worker"

Maura looked down at her business suit and realized that she had dressed a bit formally, kids probably wouldn't care what you wore, especially these kids.

Following the two women, Maura looked around at the hallway of the group home. It generally resembled a home in there where various school photos littering the hallways. Some children's crafts were sitting on bookshelves with tattered classics were waiting to be read. Maura emerged in the backyard and saw about 13 children of varying ages playing on or around the brightly colored playground. There were a few children sitting at a picnic table next to them, looking very uninterested in what the other children were doing.

Maura made her way over to the picnic table, removing her heels on the way there. The books said that if you got down to the child's level, they were less likely to be weary of you. Maura look at the first girl, who didn't seem to realize that there was a world going on around her.

"Hello, I'm Amelia Harris. Is that Charlotte's Web? I loved that book, it's a classic you know?" Maura said gently to the tiny girl, who had to be about 7 or 8 years old. She had the darkest black hair Maura had seen since...well...since Jane. She had bright green eyes, and white skin so pale you would miss her in winter. The little girl smiled and raised her eyes and blushed a bit. giving her cheeks a rosy look.

"I'm McKinzie, with a "Z". I haven't seen you before, Mrs. Harris, are you here to inspect our rooms? I left some crackers in my bed, but it's my fault. I can clean them up!" the tiny girl pleaded, grabbing Maura's hand in earnest.

Maura's heart broke as she shook her head at child, her curls bouncing slightly against her head. "No, McKinzie with a "Z", I'm just a visitor, here for today. Who are these other kids, if I may ask?" the brunette motioned towards the playground full of the rambunction children.

"That right there" McKinzie said, squinted as she pointed to a chubby little boy with fiery red hair "he's Mickey, he's like 2 years old or something, I don't recall. He came here about a month ago. He doesn't talk much, and if you walk up to him too quickly, he piddles in his pants.

"Those three kids over there, those are the Daniels sisters: Amy, Ashley, and Aurora. They're triplets and they always try to fool us into think they're who they aren't" Maura's attention was brought to three tall, lean girls all wearing matching outfits and chattering away in a language that seemed unique to them "They're in the big kid's room, you have to be over 12 to go in there. I won't be allowed for five whole years" McKinzie said with a scowl.

"I don't know the rest of the kids here, I've only been here about a year. I don't really like to play, I'd rather read" green eyes locked with hazel and Maura knew, this was her child. What are the odds of it? The first child she even looked at seemed to like her, and even seemed to share her interests. That statistics of that happening were so slim that Maura couldn't even narrow it down to a number.

Trying not to get misty-eyed, Maura grabbed the little girls hands, setting the book aside and whispered, her fragile voice cracking "McKinzie, would it be okay if i visited you again?"

Green eyes widened in surprise as the little girl hugged Maura around her neck "Yes! I love visitors, I haven't had any since Ma-Maw forEVER ago" McKinzie said excitedly.

Maura smiled and patted the girl's raven hair. Rising from her kneeling position, Maura shot the tiny child a tiny wave paired with a small smile. Walking towards the back door, the doctor let a single tear fall down her cheek, was this really as simple at that? Something had to be wrong with this situation, things just don't happen like that.

Katherine met Maura at the door with a sad smile. She motioned towards her office and Maura followed, shutting the door behind her. Grabbing a file out of her cabinet, Katherine slid the folder towards Maura, motioning for her to open it. Maura opened it and gasped, there were pages and pages of reports of mental and physical abuse with photographs attached. More tears found their way down Maura's face as she read on. McKinzie Harold had been taken by CPS last year after her parent's had neglected to re-enroll her in school after summer break was over. Finding McKinzie babysitting 3 children under the age of 5. She was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at age 7, when taken into custody, and is extremely shy. Maura mentally chided whoever wrote this report, they should've just incorporated that into her Asperger's diagnosis.

"As you can tell, McKinzie has had some difficulties adjusting to here. She prefers quiet spaces for reading and likes playing solo. She can be quite a delight when she's in the right circumstance." Katherine said to Maura who hopefully, wasn't deterred by this information. Katherine wasn't allowed to play favorites, but she had a special soft spot in her heart for the little girl. "I can only hope, Amelia, that you can care and love for someone with her needs. Are you ready for that?"

Maura paused for a moment, and said "I'm fairly certain that I will be back tomorrow for another visit, I'm quite taken with McKinzie and would like to know more about her. Is it possible for a private meeting of sorts?"

"There's a diner across the way and McKinzie just happens to love it there. Since you're certified, if she agrees, McKinzie can consent to an outing with you for a maximum of one hour. But, I'll bet that if you come back here afterwards, we might be able to extend that visit to last a half day; we'll consider it a family visit." Maura nodded gratefully and dabbed at her eyes with the tissue Katherine had handed her. Rising from the chair and walking towards the door, Maura turned around when her hand touched the knob and whispered, "Thank you"

"You're very welcome, Mrs. Harris. Thank you as well"

"Maaaaaaaaaam"

"What, Drizzle?" Jane asked her son, who was currently drooling all over her case notes. Daniel, or Drizzle on most day, had earned his name by soaking everything in sight with copious amounts of drool.

It had been an early night; outside was getting rather blustery and Jane didn't want her son to be out in the brisk October night. Normally this would be fine, but a certain Angela had kept his big coat at her house on "accident" even though Jane knew it was just a rouse to see her grandbaby again. Jane couldn't really get mad at his Nonna, but she could get frustrated and make Angela buy him another coat.

Jane had planned a night of relaxation for her and Drizzle; it had been far too long since just the two of them could hang out. Angela was usually over here cooking dinner, but she was on a date with Korsak. Things had been heating up between them lately but Jane wasn't worried; Angela had dedicated her entire life to taking care of others, she needed a break to worry about herself.

Setting his car seat on the kitchen counter, Jane marvelled at how heavy he was now. When he was born, he was 8 pounds 6 ounces, but now he had tripled to almost 24 pounds, which was his pediatrician had described as "as normal as a Rizzoli could get". She grabbed the 15 month old chunker and set him on the floor, making sure the baby gates blocking the upstairs and basement were up. Jane opened the cupboards and found some popcorn; they had fed her at the station so all that she needed was a quick snack. Besides, Drizzle loved to gnaw on the little kernels.

They had a Toy Story marathon planned. Jane loved the cute movies, and Drizzle loved talking to Buff and Oodie. For being only 15 months old, Drizzle seemed to pick up very quickly on names and places. He knew Jane as "maaaam", Angela as "nono", Korsak as "VinVin", Frankie was "cake" for some reason, and Tommy was "om". Jo Friday was "jojo" but lately, Drizzle had called her "dog" which made Jane happy. This week they had started learning body parts and their location, but he had yet to catch on to it.

Jane walked to the couch and dimmed the lights, popcorn in hand. Drizzle padded over to Jane and laid his head on her legs, signalling that he wanted to be lifted into her cozy cocoon on the couch.

"Okay little man, let's get you to sleep; I have a letter to write still" Jane whispered into his curls. "I think this may be the last year that I write to Maura, kid"

Drizzle just looked up at his mother with big, chocolate eyes and muttered "mawa?"

Jane didn't even realize that she was crying until Drizzle poked her cheek and looked at her inquisitively, tears in his eyes after thinking he had upset his mother. When Jane saw his little lip quiver, she hugged him tight and kissed his chubby brown cheeks, making sure that he knew he had done nothing wrong and they would be okay.

Maura,

This may be the last letter that I write; I'm not sure.

Drizzle, rather Daniel Lee Rizzoli, is 15 months already Maur. I can't believe how fast time flies. I swear, it was just yesterday that I looped your voicemail in the delivery room. Five years Maur, wow. What the hell have you been doing? I only work and raise Drizzle. He said your name earlier and it threw me badly. I haven't actually heard anyone say your name in years. Everyone around here just assumed that I'm over you, which saddens me but it also kind of relieving.

Korsak and Ma have been really serious! I think he's gonna ask Ma to move in. She's still in the guest house, and I don't know if she's willing to leave. She misses you, but she won't talk about it. She made us all go get portraits taken last month, she said all that we had was a family photo that had Pop in it. Ew.

I know it's not perfect, but I truly hope that Korsak and Ma are happy because they need each other. They really make me happy Maur. I've kind of given up on finding love, I would feel like a cheater or a traitor. I couldn't live with that.

So, I conclude this letter that I'll never send, with the blunt statement that I love you Maura Isles, and I refuse to love another person other than my son. Never.

-Jane

P.s. Daniel likes Kale, especially when I blend it in with his peas. Thought you'd like that.


	6. Chapter 6

Jane,

I write this last letter to you for my sake more than yours, considering that I won't have the guts to even send it. Guess what? Agent Clark called me about four hours ago, my "murderer", Riley Andersen, was found dead in a warehouse in Waterford. Apparently, they've already dubbed my threat as inactive as of then, so I am filling out the paperwork to be reunited with reality as we speak. I've already starting packing up McKinzie's things; she's at therapy right now. She's adjusting very well. But, she's only been in my custody for a few weeks now. I had no idea that it could take so long for an adoption to process but it's been great. I now have to face the challenge of telling her that I'm Maura, not Amy. But, she had been set on calling me "Ma'am" since she's stayed. I don't know if you're in Boston, Jane, but we'll be there next week, and my daughter can't wait to meet you. I think about you non-stop; I can't really help it, you're all I can think about, you're a missing piece in our family. I just hope you're still my family. I love you and miss you, and I'm certain we will see each other soon.

Take care,

Maura

Maura folded the letter into thirds and set into the cigar box which she had filed with all of her previous letters from the years prior. They symbolized more than just her past, they were therapeutic; a written account of her thoughts and the slow descent of her grasp on the life she once had.

She packed the old box into the last suitcase and habitually checked the time; it was 5:30, McKinzie would need picked up soon. Maura was so excited, that she decided to leave just a bit early and surprise her daughter with a happy meal. They were generally outlawed in her household, and they didn't get that luxury at her group home, so she assumed that McKinzie would appreciate the gesture. Maura grabbed her coat and keys, and slid out of the door. Maybe the talk wouldn't be so bad after all.

Jane was having a meltdown.

This was the third white shirt that Drizzle had ruined, and it wasn't even the day of the wedding. Her little whirlwind of spit and chocolate (thanks to Nonna) was running around the house, yelling about some show that Tommy watches about cars.

Tommy was god-knows-where with Lydia, probably sneaking in a nap where ever he could. Frankie was late because Korsak got his car stuck in the mud trying to pull Frost out of the ditch, where he had slid after deciding that a big puddle meant you needed to speed up and splash while ignoring the terrible weather.

Jane was having a meltdown.

Angela was getting married in just under a week, and Jane still had to get fitted for her dress, and somehow find a way to clean all of her child's shirts. The flowers needed ordered, the catering needed confirmed and the worst part was that everyone had a corresponding partner in the wedding except for Jane.

That's what hurt the most.

Maura,

This is the last time I plan on writing you; I just need to let you go. I told myself that I would never do it again...but have been waiting for you for six years, six long years... Ma tries to pretend like she's still on my side but I still see the looks they give me. My work is slipping and Maura, that's the last straw. You can take my pride, you can take my life, but you can't take my job. Without my job, I am nothing. If I am nothing, then I cease to exist. So, I'm making a hard decision and deciding to let you go. You don't want to be found Maura and I'm going to stop looking. I love you more than life itself; but right now I just need to try and live again. I'll never forget you, and I'll never love another. Our son and I will always love you, and he will grow up to hear about his other mother that he will never have the chance to meet.

-Jay

"Mam, maaaam. We go see Mawa?" Drizzle asked, pulling on Jane's pant leg, leaving behind a whisper of chocolate fingerprints. He could tell that his Ma was upset, and when she was upset, they went to the photo on Jane's mantelpiece and he would listen to her talk to Maura about their days. Sometimes they would dance to their song in front of the picture, and Jane would bow at the end towards Maura.

"Not now, baby boy. Maybe later, Mama is busy today, the world seems to be against me today." Jane muttered, wiping at her pant leg with a napkin from Drizzle's diaper bag. Today was not her day.

After calling the florist, the caterer, the priest, and the church, Jane was exhausted. She had taken two weeks off of work to clear her mind, like that would really happen. She was 5 days into her vacation, and she had dedicated every waking moment to her mother, who was gallivanting around Europe with Korsak on a pre-wedding honeymoon. They were due to arrive in about 4 days; hopefully Jane would have everything ready by then. Noticing that it was too quiet, the raven-haired detective checked on her son, smiling at the sight of her little tootsie roll when she eventually found him.

Drizzle had passed out on his little Cars bed; he called it his "lighninmuckween bed". He looked so cute, curled into his little stuffed tortoise that Tommy had gotten him for his birthday. Jane suspected that he had gotten it for her as well, so that she could have a piece of Maura around.

The detective could barely keep her eyes open, so she snuggled into her baby's bed and covered them up with a quilt Angela had made last year. She inhaled, relaxing at the scent of her baby boy's brown curls. When they woke up, Jane vowed to spend the rest of the night with her son; they needed time to just hang out without the stress of this upcoming wedding.

"Ma'am, where are we going?" bright green eyes asked in uncertainty, McKinzie had been surprisingly happy after her therapist appointment. Maura had arrived a half hour early and had spent the entire time rehearsing the conversation that was about to take place.

Maura glanced at her daughter quickly, gauging the emotions of the girl. They had about 10 minutes until they reached a McDonald's. By then, hopefully, she would have her story explained as best as she could.

"McKinzie, I'm going to tell you a story, alright? Please wait until I'm finished to react, I don't know if I'll be able to continue on.

The young girl just nodded, with a slight tremble in her chin. She had just gotten to live with this woman, what had she done so wrong?

"A long time ago, six years ago to be honest, I lived in Boston. I worked for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I had a girlfriend, Detective Jane Rizzoli, and a life with her already planned out. But, a bad man changed that. I got hurt, and the police decided that I should change my name to Amy Harris. But, my name is actually Maura Isles; Doctor Maura Isles Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts." Maura said with a bit of a grin to be able to use her full title like that.

McKinzie just looked at Maura slack-jawed for a few minutes. She kept quiet until she saw that they had pulled into a McDonald's and her expression changed dramatically.

"Am I, Are we- are we going here?!" the young child bounced up and down in her seat as Maura parked. This one had a playland, where her daughter could play if she wanted to.

They entered the McDonald's and ordered, eventually carrying their food inside the empty playland.

"You can go play if you wish, McKinzie" Maura gently said, hoping that maybe she could cut loose a bit.

Her daughter just shook her head, making her little black pigtails shake to and fro. She played with the end of a pigtail, making it brush across the table like a paintbrush; she knew that she was going to be sent back, she probably was going to have to pack when she got home.

"Y-You could always givemeasecondchance...Mom" McKinzie said the last part in hopes of persuading Maura into keeping her longer.

"Oh, I-what second chance? Maura said confused.

The older woman's eyes widened as realization dawned on her. Her daughter was from a group home; she was most likely assuming that things weren't working out. Maura watched McKinzie's pale chin start to quiver and she looked towards the ground, the food that she was excited about forgotten.

"NO!" Maura yelled, startling them both. "You are perfect, sweet girl; I love you so much" Maura said quickly, blushing at her admittance.

It was barely a whisper but Maura heard an "I love you too" quietly slip of out her daughter's mouth. They held hands in the middle of the table, while Maura sneakily stole a nugget, dipping it victoriously in ranch and popping it into her mouth. It was the moments like this that Maura wished Jane could be here for.

"Actually, McKinzie, I wanted to talk to you a little more about Boston. I want to move back soon. Would that be okay with you? I'd have to speak to Katherine just to make sure that it will be okay. But, I want to take you home, to my home. I also have one more topic to discuss; I had a girlfriend back in Boston, and I would like to speak to her again. Does that bother you?" Maura asked, silently hoping that this would go off without a hitch

"So...you don't like boys...Maura?" McKinzie asked, scrunching her freckled nose up and the word. When Maura nodded slowly, the raven haired girl relaxed and smiled "That's good, because boys are ignorant and petulant."

Maura giggled at the familiar wording, and relaxed. She had noticed that she was addressed as "Maura", but it was progress nonetheless. They continued to laugh and bond until their fries were cold and their drink cups had dripped into rings on the table. They left with smiles and held hands, swinging them about until they reached Maura's car.

They drove home in a happy silence; both deep in thought until McKinzie gasped and turned to Maura.

"Does Jane like tortoises?"

Jane woke up to a tiny brown foot in her mouth. This is what happened when you fall asleep with a toddler. Drizzle just giggled his precious laugh and wiggled his toes in his Ma's mouth.

"Mawa. Wanna go dance with Mawa" Jane's son said matter-of-factly, knowing that his Ma needed to smile.

"Okay, baby boy!" Jane exclaimed lifting her son out of his bed and letting him run into the living room. He stood in front of the old record player, jumping up and down yelling "Panoman, Panoman!" It was his favorite song because his Ma sang along with it.

Jane sighed and nodded, Piano Man was Drizzle's favorite song. It actually held a lot of memories for Jane because it was what her parent's danced to every Sunday after church...almost 20 years ago. Jane placed the vinyl on the player and pushed the button to start the record.

The first few notes rang out crisp and clear, making Drizzle start pattering around the lush carpeted living room. Jane felt a burst of love in her chest, knowing that at least her kid had good musical taste at a mere 27 months.

Jane scooped her son, placing kisses all over his little face. She held him to her, and held their arms out in a mock dance pose. Moving in circles, Jane danced them around the room, singing off key to Billy Joel. When the chorus began its final loop, they spun towards the picture of Maura. Jane picked it up and placed a kiss on it, something she'd been doing for years.

"Mawa gets lubbs okay Ma?" her baby's big chocolate eyes shone earnestly at this question.

Jane didn't even realize how much that question would affect her. She lowered her son to the floor and gave him the frame and he placed little kisses all over the photo of her love. He handed the frame back to Jane, satisfied with the amount of "lubbs" that he had given Maura.

Putting the photo back where it belonged, Jane grabbed her son's hands and with happy tears danced them slowly through the end of the song,

They had been driving for what seemed like days, even though it had been short of about 15 hours. Maura's vision was starting to blur, and McKinzie, or Kinzie has she had instructed Maura to call her, was realizing that she did not do well with longer car rides. After getting off of I-80; they decided to stop for the night.

Maura read the signs, directing them into Davenport, Iowa. Once they had stopped Maura looked around, there wasn't much around but a diner and a motel that looked like it was the scene of every Law and Order: SVU episode. Kinzie exited the vehicle and they walked up to the doors on the diner. Before they walked inside, the blonde stopped and looked out at the sky; she couldn't see the stars as well as she could in Denver, and the elevation change was making her feel a little sick. With a small nod to give her a boost, she opened the door greeting the older waitress and they sat in a large booth.

The menu bragged about a "Magic Mountain", it looked terrible. But, it looked like something Jane would eat, so Maura ordered that while Kinzie ordered tacos. They barely spoke, both needing time to themselves after the arduous journey across the United States. They received their food and ate in an exhausted silence. Maura doodled on the napkins, while Kinzie made bubbles in her sprite. Eventually, they decided to split strawberry shortcake for dessert. Maura booked them a hotel not too far away; she was not staying in the "traveler's inn" that boasted it served free adult films.

Maura was nervous, she hated being nervous. She was about to walk into a life that she hadn't had for 6 years. Crazy things can happen in 6 years; she had nothing to show for those years other than a higher tolerance for tequila and a failed relationship. Would Jane think less of her for adopting? That would kill the doctor. She wondered if Jane had moved on, gotten married, had children...had a life...without her? Pushing those thoughts out of her head, Maura sipped at her hot tea and smiled when the nice waitress brought her the cutest strawberry shortcake she'd ever seen. They needed to get to their hotel soon; it was nearing 9 p.m. and they still had about 15 more hours of driving tomorrow, and they were going to need a lot of rest to handle the day they would be having tomorrow.


	7. Epilogue

Okay guys, this is it. I left it kind of open for a potential sequel if I feel like writing this again :D Thanks for all your feedback. :)!

* * *

Jane laughed as her son, wiped a tear off of her face as she watched her mother walk down the aisle. Angela was wearing a lavender dress in lieu of white, she never had liked wearing white things, they stained too easily. Jane was standing in the front, facing the small crowd of about 30 people. After a heated debate, it was decided that Jane would be escorted down the aisle by her son, who was sported a deep plum tux with a black shirt underneath, matching his mother's dress perfectly.

Angela finished her walk, and stood across from Korsak, who looked mighty dapper himself. He had been doing P90X for the past three months, and it had really helped him. They both looked happier than they had in years.

Their vows and rings were exchanged and they all were walking back to get ready for the reception, which would take place in a few hours. Angela stopped Jane, fresh tears threatening to spill

"Oh, Janie, don't think you'll go unrewarded for putting this all together. You'll get a gift from us at the reception" Angela said with a watery smile, grabbing her daughter and grandson in a tight hug.

Puzzled, Jane let her son, no devoid of any suit coat, go play with T.J. in the playroom of the church. What did Angela get her that she was so excited about? It was only 3 p.m., the reception was at 5, so that gave her time to put her stellar plan into action, and still have time left over to eat some cannoli. Angela chuckled as she watched her confused daughter walk away. This would probably be the best day of both of their lives.

Maura parked at the hotel across from the courthouse and looked at the dash of her car, it was almost noon and McKinzie had yet to wake up from their drive. Maura had been too antsy to sleep last night, and her daughter didn't like the hotel blankets, so they had taken off again at midnight and had just arrived in Boston. Maura was exhausted but running on adrenaline and excitement from seeing a city she felt so familiar with.

Maura shook her daughter slightly, ruffling her long black hair that had little waves from the pigtails she took out for bed. McKinzie wriggled in her seat and opened a sleepy eye.

"Kinzie, I'm going to go fill out of paperwork here, do you want to join me?" Maura asked, already knowing the answer. If she were nearly 9 years old, she would not want to be in a stuffy courthouse.

"No, I'll be okay in here. Can I sleep some more?" the dark haired girl muttered, already drifting off.

Maura just smiled and grabbed her purse out of the back seat. She double checked that her doors were locked and walked towards the large building.

She made her way up to the third floor, smiling sadly when she walked past the hallway for marriage licenses. She took a deep breathe, squared her shoulders, and walked with purpose in her Louboutin heels that she missed wearing to crime scenes.

"NO!"

"NO!"

"NO!"

Maura whipped around, her brain telling her that she recognized that voice. There, in front of her stood none other than Angela Rizzoli with a Sergeant Detective Korsak trailing right behind her. A lonely shaking hand was covering her mouth which was open in horror at the site of the woman in front of her. Vince eventually caught up and stared at Maura, who had the look of a doe in headlights.

Angela stomped forward, grabbing Maura in an emotional embrace before she even knew what was happening. She took note of Angela's dress, which matched Vince's tuxedo and it clicked.

"Y-You're getting married?" Maura asked surprised. They had been speaking frequently when she had seen them last but the doctor had no idea that things would move this far. They both deserved to be happy after dedicating their lives to making sure other people were well.

Angela nodded through her tears, kissing Maura all over and telling her that her baby was alive. Vince shed a tear, it was turning out to be quite an emotional day.

"How long have you been back? Where did you go? Have you seen Jane yet?" questions spewed out of the Italian woman's mouth faster than Maura could process them all.

"I just drove in here, my daughter is sleeping in the car. I need to register everything here and explain why I need to be declared alive again" Maura motioned to the folder she was carrying that Agent Clark had given to her. "I have yet to see Jane, I'm not sure that I'm ready for that"

"I have a perfect idea!" Angela cried, throwing her arms around Vince and Maura, it truly was a wondrous day.

* * *

Jane swirled around the dance floor with her son on her toes. They had just finished pictures, and they were all sitting around the table waiting for the speeches to start. The DJ motioned that the music was about the end. So Jane handed her son off to Frost, who was warming up to the child. He was still "Uncle Fwos" But, everyone was happier that way.

Jane sat next to her mother as she waited for the cue to begin her speech. When she stood and surveyed the room, and saw all the people that were here for her mother, she choked up. Her voice trembled slightly as she read the slip of paper she had tucked in her dress for this occasion.

"Thank you all for being here tonight, first and foremost, on this joyous occasion. It's been a long time coming, and we all know impatient my Ma is." Jane said, making eye contact with various people.

"We all know that my times have been rough these last few years. But seeing my mother find happiness, all these years later, is inspiring and uplifting for the soul. She deserves the world because we've been her world for so long" Jane smiled at her mother with love and adoration. Her Ma looked so happy...and kind of antsy.

Jane looked out into the crowd once more to gather her bearings. She focused on her son, who was playing a clapping game of sorts with one of the kids that Jane didn't recognize; she was probably one of Vince's nieces. She had very long black hair and smiled at Drizzle warmly, teaching the toddler how to play patty cake.

"I can only hope that Vince can make my mother the happiest person on this planet. I also hope that he stops getting married after this because I cannot come up with enough nice things to say about him" She winked at her new stepfather, even if she still respected him as her superior. "So now, I turn the mic over to the Bride and Groom for their speeches. Then it's boogie time"

The 100 person crowd laughed a bit, taking a moment to dry their eyes and get regrouped after such a heartfelt speech. After a few taps to the mic, Angela stood up in her shorter dress that she had donned for the reception. They had eaten ribs as a wedding mean and she knew after raising three hellions that ribs got on everything light.

"I love you guys" Angela started her monologue while trying to find her inner courage to say what she was about to say. "You guys know Vince and Me so, I won't be up here long because my feet hurt from these heels and I want to sit down. Angela smiled softly at the people gathered across the room.

"I especially want to thank my daughter, whom you all already know. She planned this whole event and had been very responsible, and turned into a wonderful mother. She has had a heartbreaking few years, but hopefully after tonight, she will be better.

Jane just looked confused at her Ma. Was she giving her a car? Maybe a cruise to the bahamas? A free week of babysitting?

"I was at the courthouse filling out my wedding papers this morning, and I saw a beautiful face that I thought I'd never see again. I can't properly explain what it feels like, so maybe you can see it for yourselves. Jane- honey- I know that I told you that I had a present for you. So, for being such a wonderful child, and a doting mother. I present to you: Dr. Maura Isles.

Jane's jaw dropped as tears fell down her cheeks; most likely making her makeup run. Was this a joke? Where was she?

Maura walked timidly out from behind the crowd, with a nervous smile on her face. She was so beautiful, even if little things had changed about her.

The crowd recovered from it's stunned silence and they all jumped up and cheered as Jane looked into hazel eyes that reminded her of happier times. She went to speak and was silenced by Maura leaning towards her ear.

"I promise I will explain it all later but Jane, please kiss me. Please kiss me for the first time in six years." Maura whispered.

Jane complied.


End file.
